Emotional Regulation
We can't always choose how we feel, but we can choose what we do about it! Emotional regulation is the skill of being able to feel what we feel, and make good decisions in response to those feelings--like when to stop and take a break, drink some water, have a nap, go for a walk, or connect with a friend. Our feelings are wise. Emotional regulation is building our capacity to listen to that wisdom.
As adults this is one of the big things children are learning from us and through us, whether or not we realize it. The more regulated we can be with our kids, the more their nervous systems can learn to regulate. It's a win-win!
Some terminology...
Co-regulation
Emotional regulation doesn’t happen automatically. Kids first learn about regulating their emotions from the adults around them. Parents, teachers, and people who are close to them are models for how to recognize emotions, name emotions, and manage emotions.
When we comfort a crying baby, speak calmly to an angry child, calmly and lovingly clean a skinned knee and apply a bandage, or any of hundreds of other daily ways in which we relate to our kids, we are showing them that they can be hurt and still be OK, or that they can be angry but calm down and talk about it afterwards. They learn these skills by watching what we do and by feeling the feelings of the adults around them. Their nervous systems are in tune with ours, and learn from what we do.
Self-regulation
For most children, co-regulation is gradually internalized. Children learn that they can begin to manage their own emotions by internalizing the skills and feelings that they learn from adults close to them.
Some children struggle with this process of internalizing regulation skills more than others. These children need more co-regulation support for a longer time. It is also helpful for them to learn specific skills for regulating their own emotions.
Name it to Tame it
Building emotional vocabulary gives words to feelings. When we can name something, we can realize that it is not “me” and not “permanent”. It is just passing through.
Find it in Your Body
Some emotions are hard to name. Many emotions are hard to explain even if they have a name. However, emotions aren’t just in our heads. They happen in our bodies too. Having kids name where they feel an emotion, and give sensation names to their emotions is a really helpful step in learning to regulate them.
When we learn where an emotion “lives”, and what it feels like, then we can recognize it more easily when it comes. We can’t manage what we can’t recognize – but when we can name, locate, and feel the physical sensations of an emotion then we can learn to manage it as well.
Using Strategies
There are lots of strategies that can help. The best strategies are the simplest. The problem is being able to consciously decide to use a strategy. This is why children often first need to learn to name the emotion, find the location and/or talk about the sensation. This builds their awareness enough to be able to recognize when a feeling is getting too strong and to use a strategy. When adults model using these strategies themselves and come along side kids to help them co-regulate, everyone benefits.
A few strategies to try:
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Taking 5 deep, long breaths and thinking “I’m OK. I can do this”
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Going for a walk or jog around the block or the outside of your home
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Standing up and doing 3 minutes of stretching or jogging in place
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Colouring
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Taking a 10 to 15 min "recess" or play break
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Listening to music
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Dancing
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Taking a 20 minute “screen” break
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Closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing for 2 to 3 minutes
Helpful Apps
Breathr: BC Children's Hospital and Kelty Mental Health partnered to create this app with short, simple and effective mindfulness practices that can be used to support self-regulation with attention to our breath.
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